Hope & Healing -  cont.

As time went on I learned that I would have good and bad days. Some of them I could prepare for like his birthday and anniversary dates, but others hit me without notice. A memory would get triggered by a song or scene and before I knew it I was crying; sometimes I didn't even know why. In the beginning I hated Tuesdays. It seemed like that was the hardest day of the week. At the support group I was told that some emotions are unconsciously triggered by the day of the week that our child died, guess what day of the week Brock died, Tuesday.

I learned that I needed to be even more diligent in the choice of TV programs and movies that I watch. The news added to my depressed feelings and sad shows would affect me for days. I also learned that if I implemented a positive action on a tough day it was easier to deal with and would bring peace and healing. So I always take Brock's birthday and anniversary date off from work and I do something that day that he would have liked doing. Sometimes I would buy his favorite toys and take them to the local hospital where he had been a patient. I cried afterwards, but it was healing to see the kids' faces at the hospital that had a new toy to play with. This process worked on these days and on Tuesdays.

It felt like I had my new rhythm down and I knew the days that would be more emotional for me and planned accordingly. What I wasn't prepared for was everything else. One of the toughest things is that life goes on. Our world had been changed forever, but it felt like everyone else went back to their lives and were moving on, which they should. I feared that Brock would be forgotten, that I would forget what he looked like or what his voice sounded like.

In my emotional state I know people were hesitant to ask how I was doing for fear of making me cry so when asked I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable and I would always say, "I'm doing fine." Deep down I was glad they asked because that meant that they remembered him.

One day I saw my friend Leslie at the store. Both our older boys had graduated from high school by this time. We both were struggling that day with our emotions and after talking realized that the new school year was starting and that we didn't have kids to get ready for school any more. We had seen their friends in the store gathering school supplies and looking all grown up. It made us both wonder what our boys would have been like.

When Brock's friends graduated from High School, when Laura got married (thankfully to my brother Josh), when Mitch was married, when I hear stories of other parents who have lost a child and when other kids are diagnosed with cancer, I feel the pain and loss again. Not only for the joys in life that will never be, but for the pain and suffering that others will have to go through.⁵  

I've learned that no amount of bubble wrap will change God's purpose for our lives and the lives of our loved ones. If God calls them home there is nothing I can do about it except trust that he has a reason. I can live in fear, which I wouldn't recommend because it consumes you and steals all your hope or I can live by faith which is being sure of what you hope for.⁶  

I'm sure that as life goes on there will be other things that will take me by surprise and touch the wound in my heart, but that's okay because I know the one who gives me hope. Jesus is healing the wound. He does it by surrounding me with people like those at Compassionate Friends who are sharing their wounds and telling how they have been healed. By sending friends like Leslie at just the right moment so I can share my feelings with someone who truly does understand and by showing me that there are good days even when the wind blows and you have a handful of balloons.

Jesus knows all about wounds and scars. He was wounded for us,⁷  He died for us and He rose from the dead⁸  for us so that we can have hope. After His resurrection he showed his followers His scars⁹  and they touched them and knew that what he said was true.

It's a difficult thing to open your heart to others when it has been hurt so badly. But if you don't allow Jesus to work on your heart it will never heal. I want to show others the healing that Jesus is giving me and to do that I must not be afraid about showing my scars. My scars, like most of Brocks, are on the inside. To see them, you need to see my heart and to show my heart is risky. But if just one person can find hope in seeing the healing in my heart than it's worth the risk.